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Background

For much of human history?, nobody thought twice about what they ate. If it seemed like food? in it went, consequences be damned. This actually worked out better than you might think, because the people that survived developed a fairly comprehensive understanding of what seemed like food.

Rocks? are not food, unless they taste exceptionally nice. Leafs are probably not food, but maybe eat some and if they're not bitter or gross then go ahead. Fruits and seeds and berries are food, unless of course they're the red berries that look like all the other red berries but kill you extremely fast. Those are not food. Animal bits are food, as long as they don't taste gross. Water isn't food but it's close enough as long as it's not really dirty. Folks followed these simple guidelines and you had reasonably good odds of not dying horribly. One in three, let's say.

This all changed after the protestant reformation?. About three hundred years after the protestant reformation, the industrial revolution revolutionized food production. Now for the first time humanity had access to chemicals and adulterants and could make non-food seem foodlike enough to get people to eat it. You know how you can feed disgusting swill? to cows and they'll produce disgusting milk?? Well not if you dump plaster and eggs and molasses and gods know what else in it. Looks like reasonably not-disgusting milk now.

This went over poorly. If you feed disgusting swill milk adulterated to be non-disgusting milk to a baby? it will do poorly. This is because babies have not developed a comprehensive understanding of food. Babies cannot comprehend simple concepts like "Do not eat disgusting things" or "Do not die." Do you know who does comprehend simple concepts? The US Government.

The US Government

In 1938? Congress passed the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act which empowered the Food and Drug Administration? to administer food and drug and cosmetic in the United States of America?. For the first time in human history in America someone was in a position to decide what was safe to eat and prevent people from eating unsafe things. This was widely believed to be a good move. It immediately caused problems.

The Food and Drug Administration had to administer a food or food-like ingredient as safe before anyone was allowed to say it was food. The first day, they tested flour and said it was safe. Americans ate bread. The second day, they tested eggs and said they were safe. Americans ate egg sandwiches. The third day, riots broke out. This was going too slow.

The Food and Drug Administration said okay fine. We are smart people. We have common sense. There are a lot of things people have been eating for a long time, like sugar? and potatoes? and pufferfish?. We have spent thousands of years eating these things and they're all Generally Recognized As Safe. So we will stamp them with this GRAS stamp and you can all eat it. Plaster, on the other hand, is NOT food and we don't think it's safe. So that has to get tested before anyone is allowed to eat it.

This worked pretty well. People were legally allowed to eat food again and questionable things had to get tested by the Food and Drug Administration before it was allowed to be eaten. Interestingly enough, though, new GRAS foods kept showing up. A company wants to sell dietary supplements made out of some roots they grinded up into powder. Powders are questionable, so the Food and Drug Administration wants to test it. It's fine, the company says, people have eaten grinded up roots for thousands of years. It's Generally Regarded As Safe. But you are selling this as a dietary supplement, says the Food and Drug Administration, what effect does it have on people? None, says the company, it's fake (SAFE) crap we're selling to rubes. I dunno, says the Food and Drug Administration. Oh..... come on.... says the company. Okay fine, says the Food and Drug Administration, how can I say no to those big 'ol eyes.

All this changed in 2025.

GRAY GRAN

In 2025 the United States Supreme Court ruled that federal agencies could no longer base their policies on expert opinion. This ended the GRAS program, since it required an expert to agree that the random liquid in the bar mat? at the end of the night was probably fine to drink. The Food and Drug Administration scrambled to put a new system in place.

The Food and Drug Administration established the position of Testmaster General. This would be a non-expert inmate between the age of 21 and 55, nominated and confirmed by a group consisting of the Postmaster General, the Surgeon General, all the Attorneys General, and all the Generals of the Air Force, Army, Marines, and Space Force. This group is known as the General Assembly. The Navy? and Coast Guard are not part of the General Assembly, because they have Admirals. Instead they attend the Admiral Tea.

When a new food is identified by the Food and Drug Administration it is given to the Testmaster General, who eats it. If the Testmaster General makes a happy face or remains alive, the food is Generally Regarded As Nice (GRAN). If the Testmaster General makes a sad face or dies, the food is Generally Regarded As Yucky (GRAY). Companies are still allowed to sell foods that are GRAY but they have to put a label on it in the state of California.

Critics say this process is suspiciously like science, which is something experts do. Oh no, says the Food and Drug Administration, there is nothing scientific about this process. Far too much ritual and chanting. It is actually a ceremony in a new religion and thus constitutionally protected. Guns might also be involved somehow, so that's even more constitutional.

The Future

In the future?, people will be smarter. They will be smart enough to annihilate the greedy assholes that are attempting to ruin everything. They will be smart enough to identify every single substance in existence and decide if it is generally regarded as nice or not. Finally, humanity will know peace and not die of eating bottle caps because bottle caps will be generally regarded as yucky. Instead we will eat shoe leather, because the Testmaster General's grimace was misinterpreted as a smile by a federal employee verified to not be an expert at identifying faces. It will be nice.